Morris Thinks Roker is a Dummy. Is Right.

Carlos Morris, a.k.a. "Carlista Flockhart", was spotted today walking in Times Square wearing a full winter coat, knit cap and mittens. The 27-year-old lightweight was apparently "cold" as temperatures dropped below 87 degrees. "It's freezing for July", Morris told UmWho reporters. "I can almost see my breath."

Ironically, as Morris was headed for the subway (the train not the chain), he bumped into one of his biggest idols, Al Roker, outside the popular Madame Tussauds museum on 42nd Street. Morris has been a long time fan of Roker and has championed his ability to do "whatever it takes to stay thin."

However, Roker seemed less than interested in engaging in Morris' mindless chatter about the weather. "He didn't say much. I think I made him nervous," Morris said. "I just can't believe he gained all that weight back. What a dummy."

Yes. Dummy.

Breaking: DFly on Detox?!?!

America's favorite AA candidate, Deirdre Flynn, was spotted last night at New York City's popular latin gay club Escuelita sporting a sari and drinking, what appeared to be, water from a plastic cup. The incident caused widespread panic and stirred up rumors that Flynn might actually be on the wagon.

"She's chugged three cups of water within her first fifteen minutes here. It's not looking good," said Marco Lopez, the venue's Saturday night manager. "I saw her walk in and I thought for sure we'd be making bank. But I think she's doing that master cleanse thing. F***."

Resident drag queen Mocha Chino was not having it. "They already charge $20 to get up in here. If the bitch don't drink, they're gonna raise it again. If I'm out a job, she's gonna be out some hair."

Luckily for Chino and everyone else at the establishment, it turned out to be a false alarm.

"What? No, don't be silly...," Deirdre revealed to UmWho reporters. "It's vodka. The bartender just wouldn't give me a glass because I keep dropping them. I guess I'm just clumsy."

Ahhh, 'clumsy'. That must be it.

Koth's Collagen BOGO Disaster

Maybe it was an attempt to disguise himself in wake of that stalker incident. Maybe he realized he needs to find a way to stand out in the crowd after his recent karaoke experience. Maybe he thought it would look good. Whatever the reason, Jason Koth recently underwent collagen injections on his lips... twice.

The 26 year old North Dakota native allegedly clipped out a 'Buy One Get One' coupon for collagen injections from the back pages of The Village Voice, which promised to give his lips "a fuller, more distinct, supple quality." However, when he arrived at Dr. Phillip Love's office, he realized that he didn't have anyone for the 'get one'. After calling everyone he knew, the actor decided to go it alone.

"I tried calling four different people to go halfsies with me but no one answered. I thought, 'Frig it! This is a two for one.' So I just took both," Koth told reporters. "I'm not an idiot. I'm gonna get what I paid for."

As a get well gift, Koth received an Edible Arrangement from his hometown with a card attached that stated, "Grand Forks is proud of you! Not only are you living the big life in the big city, but now you look like a big star! We always knew you'd make it!"

However, despite the overwhelming support from North Dakota, Koth has left one friend in New York very confused. "He didn't call me," said Carlos Morris, Koth's close friend and confidant. "We always BOGO together. I don't understand why he wouldn't call me."

停止唱歌!

No Moore star Jason Koth and producer Marissa Goldberg were spotted recently in Chinatown at the Oriental Garden restaurant munching on sweet and sour pork and washing it down with bottles of Bud Light.

According to bystanders, the two were having a friendly business conversation when they were interrupted by Mei Sung Fao, a Chinese tourist who miraculously recognized Goldberg from a production of the Broadway musical Annie that was performed in Shanghai in 1992. Goldberg was then performing the title role.

Sung Fao had apparently been enamored with Goldberg since that performance, and he gleefully demanded that she perform the musical's legendary song "Tomorrow" for the restaurant patrons.

"This is so unexpected," Goldberg said to the stoic diners and wait staff. "Thank you. Thank you all!" She then broke into a transposed version of "Tomorrow" with a bus boy accompanying her on the xiao.

Koth, who was slightly annoyed at the spectacle Goldberg was making, commented, "Great. This is just what she needs. I just managed to get her to stop singing Annie in public. Now she'll never stop."

When Goldberg concluded her ferociously-committed performance, there was polite applause from the patrons. Sung Fao looked thoroughly disappointed.

"Hmm...she's not really cute anymore," he said. "And her boobs are too big."

D-Fly: “PBR Me ASAP!”

Let's just clarify: Deirdre Flynn will not be the Pabst Brewing Company's new poster girl.

Flynn, in yet another drunken stupor, sent a number of seductive self-photographs to the brewery's national headquarters, along with her theatrical resume, in hopes of landing a job as a model for their new marketing campaign.

Flaw numero uno: In every photo, Flynn was holding a bottle of Miller Lite.

Flaw numero dos: Flynn sent her correspondence to the Old Milwaukee headquarters.

We caught up with Flynn at P.J. Leahy's pub in Long Island City, where she was mixing Guinness and Hoegaarden in a plastic pitcher and regaling patrons with Paddy Irishman jokes. When questioned about the photo incident, Flynn merely quipped, "Oh, who the hell cares? I'm a Budweiser girl anyways!"

Flynn then body-slid onto the table where five regulars were playing beer pong.

Oh, Deirdre...what would Captain Pabst have to say about all this?

Koth Snubbed in Voicemail

Jason Koth just doesn't have any luck when it comes to voicemail. The actor was apparently leaving a message yesterday for friend and co-star Joe Moran when the voicemail was intercepted by Bettina's assistant. Rather than fighting for a moment that was rightfully his, Koth apologized for the interruption and hung up - defeated.

The incident puzzled technicians at Verizon Wireless. "It doesn't make any sense. It sounds like [Bettina's assistant] was using a landline. I don't get how she could intercept a voicemail on our nation's most reliable network," said Pablo Guttierez, who works at the tech support desk at Verizon Wireless in NYC's Herald Square. "It almost seems supernatural - as if a higher calling were trying to tell him something. Dios Mio."

However, Koth's close friends have drawn their own conclusions. "It just goes to show that technology doesn't even acknowledge his existence," Moran told UmWho reporters. "It's really sad. I'm surprised he hasn't just given up already."

It's no question that Jacob Jason Koth is among the most forgettable, overlooked personalities to date. But one major question remains - who the hell is Bettina?

Koth was unavailable for comment as he is reportedly working ferociously on his memoir, Can You Hear Me Now?, as a follow up to his recent unpublished autobiography, Nice to Meet You... Again.

Goldberg Depressed. Eats Entire Chicken.

From YouTube spats to bar room brawls, it seems Marissa Goldberg has been attracting a lot of negative press lately. Production on her web series, No Moore, has come to a screeching halt and there is no sign of a career in sight.

 

According to close friend and cast member Joe Moran, the former child "star" is reportedly going through rough times.  "She's spending time with her family in Brooklyn, listening to show tunes and drinking a lot of Mike's Hard Lemonade."

 

Goldberg was spotted last night in the Waldbaum's parking lot near her parents' residence. The 26-year old actor was reportedly drinking Zima and scarfing down an entire rotisserie chicken. "She ate the whole thing" said Marcus Dooley, a local bum. "I went to ask the b**** for a piece and it was gone. All gone. F****** b****."

 

"I believe it," Moran said. "She'll probably get fat again. That's what happened the last time."